


and miles to go before i sleep

by falqons (golden_gardenias)



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Suicidal Ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 15:11:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9613292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/golden_gardenias/pseuds/falqons
Summary: Nursey has trouble asking for help.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote and proofread this in about an hour after a crying jag lol. watch as i project my shitty day onto derek nurse instead of getting support from real people! be amazed as i continue to put off important assignments instead of starting them!

Derek knows that it’s selfish.  There’s no way anyone could ever be available to emotionally support him 24/7. They have their own lives and their own problems to deal with; he shouldn’t add his own to the mix. He knows that he’s putting ridiculous expectations onto everyone he interacts with and is holding them to impossible standards, but it doesn’t stop him. He’s still upset, and then he gets more upset with himself for being upset in the first place. He’s so stupid.

Dex has homework to do, which is _fine_ , because the whole reason they’re in school in the first place is to learn shit, and they can only do that if they do their assignments, so there’s absolutely no reason for him to be sad about not getting any texts from his boyfriend. No reason at all. He wants Dex to succeed academically, but he won’t if Derek goes to his room and makes him worry. And if Dex worries about him, he’ll cuddle him for the rest of the night, which is not conducive to getting any of his work done. So really it’s better if he just leaves Dex alone.

Farmer went home for her Nana’s eightieth birthday celebration, which is a big one, and Chowder, of course, loves her a lot, so it only makes sense that he would miss her. Missing her is a perfectly good reason to bring her up whenever he talks to anyone, and of _course_ he’s gonna respond when she texts, it’s not like he’s ignoring anyone on  _p_ _urpose_ , it’s just that Farmer’s more important to him. Plus her Nana’s been sick lately, so she’s worried about her, and she needs to talk about that with her boyfriend. Her understanding, supportive, loving boyfriend who drops entire conversations with the people around him to compose understanding, supportive, loving messages that will comfort and reassure her. It’s endearing, really. They have a strong and healthy relationship. Derek’s happy for them.

Bitty is spending the weekend with Jack, so Derek’s not gonna call to whine when Bitty hasn’t seen his boyfriend in nearly a month. And it’s not like he’s gonna call Jack, either. That would be a dick move. He’s not gonna encroach on their time together, or ruin their evening by interrupting their alone time and bombarding them with texts. He should let them have their time together. It’s good that they’re happy.

Ransom has enough of his own stuff to worry about; he doesn’t need Derek’s shit to pile on top of that. He should focus on his schoolwork. And even if he’s not doing homework right now, it’s good that he’s blowing off steam. He’s too stressed, it’s not healthy. Who is Derek to mess up what little free time Ransom has?

Holster is juggling too many people’s problems as it is. What with keeping Ransom afloat, reassuring his sisters whenever they’re going through something, talking his parents down when they’re trying to figure out how to deal with his sisters...it’s a lot. He doesn’t need Derek’s problems on top of all that. It would be selfish of him to even ask.

Maybe he could talk to Lardo--but wait, no, Lardo has a big project due that’s been kicking her ass for a couple weeks now. What kind of friend would he be if he took her away from that? A shit friend, that’s what kind. And it’s not like him feeling sad is that big a deal anyway; he’s depressed. He’s always sad. He takes his meds and he exercises regularly, but the sadness still lurks in the back of his mind. It drains him of all energy, makes it impossible to finish even the simplest of tasks. She doesn’t need any of that distracting her right now.

Shitty can barely figure himself out these days--how could Derek possibly ask him to pull focus from his epic journey of self-discovery just to talk Derek through another pointless meltdown? Everyone has bad days, he just needs to suck it up.

He’s not that close to any of the tadpoles, and it’s not like he can offer them dibs, so what reason would they have to listen to him? It’s better to not put them in the awkward position of having to pat his shoulder and give a heartfelt “That sucks, man.” Better to just leave them be, so they won’t see him like this.

Calling his family is out of the question. His mom worries about him enough already; she doesn’t need to listen to him cry. Dad will try, but won’t know what to say, so he’ll inevitably say the wrong thing. Jasmine is six years older than him and an entire ocean away right now--she has her own life, is starting her own family, and doesn’t need her annoying little brother messing stuff up for her.

So Derek decides to go for a walk to clear his head. And if he realizes his pockets are empty when he reaches for his phone to check the time, then he’s not gonna go back for it. No one will try to reach him anyway.

He starts a slow lope around campus, occasionally dabbing at his eyes with his scarf. Flurries start to blur the space in front of him, so he finds a tree and settles onto the ground in front of it, leaning against the trunk to watch the sky. He wonders, suddenly, what it would be like to fall from such a great height; he supposes he’d feel weightless, imagines that the air would be cool on his face. Time would simultaneously pass in a blink and stretch on endlessly.

Derek loves the endlessness of snow. He used to marvel at blizzards as a child, watching them from his bedroom window with awe. It just keeps piling up, dusting the grass and the roads until it’s a thick coating that covers everything, wrapping the earth in a firm embrace. A blanket, keeping him warm while he sleeps.

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed. this is my first foray into check please fic, so let me know how you think i did! i live for validation.
> 
> title is from the poem "stopping by woods on a snowy evening" by robert frost.


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